wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
