I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
