i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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