Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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