Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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