Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
