Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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