You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dick very happy bro
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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