Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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