worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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