he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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