What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize