Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
