I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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