I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
