My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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