that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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