seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So many bounce houses so little time
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
