that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
