he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize