I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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