I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
