someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
