Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
