Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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