Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
