I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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