That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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