Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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