actually, I'm a sock model
farters have to be the big spoon...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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