You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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