did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
