Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize