i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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