Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
