I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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