Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
