Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
