Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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