Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
