I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
