smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize