Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
