If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Randomize
