he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
