If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
