I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
