Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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