note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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