remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
