Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
