remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
