Too much gin, very little bucket
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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