Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
