remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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