So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it was like eating out sand paper
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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