Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
