just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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